Redefining Yourself

How Will You Redefine Yourself in 2010?

By Jennifer Beall, LCPC

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,

Our deepest fear is that we are all powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are we not to be?

You are a child of God,

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking

So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do,

It is in everyone and as we let our light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

--Marianne Williamson

A new year is starting, a perfect time to redefine yourself. Instead of making New Year’s resolutions that you won’t keep, how about looking at yourself and deciding who you really want to be, then doing what you need to do to become that person?

We’re defined by many things and many people, most notably our family. We’re given messages about who we are, what we can do, and what’s expected of us. Most of us don’t question those definitions because they’re part of our identities, and we’ve never known ourselves any other way. Our family members may or may not have given us these messages intentionally, but we’ve absorbed them just the same.

What are the messages that you are still living by? What are the limits they impose? Maybe some of these will sound familiar to you:

“You’re not the pretty one (the smart one, the talented one, etc.).”

“Life is hard.”

“Money is power. You’ll always be poor.”

“Being thin is the most important thing. You’ll never be thin enough.”

“Children should be seen and not heard.”

“Children should take care of their parents.”

“People are either all good or all bad.”

“Don’t trust people who are different than you are.”

“You’re not allowed to feel (angry, sad, hurt, etc.).”

“Don’t express your feelings.”

“You’re on your own—nobody will ever really be there for you, so you’ll have to take care of yourself.”

“There’s no such thing as a happy marriage.”

“Drinking is the way to solve your problems.”

“Don’t talk to people outside of the family about what goes on at home.”

The tricky thing is that, while some of these messages were told to you directly, most of them probably were not. You just figured them out from how your family acted. Most of the messages I listed above are ones that are handed down from generation to generation, shaping one person’s life after another, with few, if any, questioning what’s happening.

The first step to changing negative messages is identifying what they are. Take a look at your life. Are there areas in which you struggle? Have you gone from one relationship to another, never finding “Mr. Right,” or, worse yet, thinking you found him and then later realizing what he was really like? Are you an alcoholic, or do you frequently find yourself in relationships with alcoholics? Are you a “yo-yo dieter,” going on one diet after another and losing weight, only to gain the weight back when you go off the diet? Do you have trouble opening up to people and letting them really get to know you? Do you have a good job that pays well, but can never seem to hold on to money? Maybe you’re in a job you don’t really like and are longing for one that would actually be fulfilling. Maybe you just don’t feel good about yourself and wish you did.

I’ve written before about the power of challenging these negative messages in your mind. For instance, if you’re thinking that you will never be thin enough, you can counter that message with another statement such as, “I accept myself as I am right now even though I weigh more than I would like to. And I also believe that I can lose weight and keep it off.”

Notice your first, automatic thought when you make a countering statement like this one. Does some part of you say, “Yeah, right, and how long is that going to last?” Or maybe, “Who am I kidding? I’ll always be fat!”

Gary Craig, who founded Emotional Freedom Technique (see www.emofree.com), calls these automatic negative statements “tail enders.” It’s not only important to make those first affirmative statements; it’s also important to recognize the “tail enders” and work through them. There are many ways to deal with the “tail enders,” and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is, in my experience, a particularly effective one. Even if you have minimal experience with EFT, it can be extremely helpful. EFT as a part of counseling can be even more powerful.

To paraphrase Marianne Williamson, who are you not to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Every year, every day, every hour, every minute, you have the opportunity to redefine and reinvent yourself. Don’t let those opportunities pass you by!

Beall Pastoral Counseling

Severna Park, MD

443-458-4221